Tag: onion

Woman wonders if same glitter factory furnishes husband’s strip club and daughter’s Limited Too

This morning, broken mother of one, Sharon Reynolds stared into the distance as she sat quietly in a corner of her small home in Baltimore, Maryland.

Sharon, age 43, told reporters that she had been married to a 40-year-old schlub named Carl for 13 years. Sharon reflected soberly that social pressures and anxieties about quickly fading youth inspired their marriage of convenience. The moderate sexual attraction and the hope sparked by building a home together quickly faded into monotony. The accidental pregnancy that cemented their unhappy marital fate blossomed into a resentful little twerp named Kylie who defines pre-teen mediocrity.

Sharon’s detached reflections this morning were inspired by the family laundry. Staring into the side-by-side baskets of her daughter and husband, she noticed a similar shimmer emanating from her husband’s sweaty button-downs and her daughter’s too tight, hot pink jorts. After years of worry and dull shame that the family had become irreparably distant, this made her wonder if they had a point of connection after all– the origins of this miasmic glitter. Suddenly looking straight into the eyes of this reporter, she exclaimed, “Maybe there is hope for this family. Maybe this is proof there can be common ground and collective happiness.”

Without hesitation, she got up, grabbed her purse, and ran outside to her car. Catching up to her before she skidded off, this reporter managed to get to her window to ask where she was going. “New York… Chicago… Who cares?? These bitches have more in common with each other than I do with either of them! I fucking hate glitter!”

After following up with Booty Call and Limited Too, The HindQuarterly determined that the glitter used by each organization had different origins.

Apparently the connection was only cosmetic.

Woman squatter in public bathroom clearly sociopath

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After encountering 3 clogged toilets in a row at a Nebraskan rest stop Wednesday morning, Maryann Montgomery, 30, optimistically approached a stall just vacated by a well-dressed woman.

Maryann told reporters that she was on her way to Colorado to get away from a toxic relationship and a draining job. “I want to try to be happy again,” she confessed. “It’s just been so long since I’ve felt safe.”

Despite her general unease with using public bathrooms, Maryann foolishly drank two venti iced coffees in three short hours. Resigning herself to the reality of her situation, Maryann pulled off the I-80 at approximately 10  AM to relieve herself. She was seen rushing from her dingy 1992 Dodge Dart into a dank cement building marked with a ‘W.’

Met with flickering fluorescents, wet sinks, and disembodied human stink, Maryann was unsurprised by the deplorable state of the bathroom stalls. But she felt a wave of relief wash over her upon seeing an early forties, impeccably groomed woman dressed in a cream chiffon suit exiting a stall.

“I thought, ‘This woman understands what I’m feeling right now. She get’s it.'”

Maryann’s face darkened as she recalled walking into the stall. “It was a goddamn war zone. Urine everywhere. The seat was practically dripping.” Maryann reported that she then turned, shocked, to look at the woman. “She was washing her hands just opposite the stall. She saw that I was looking at her through the mirror and stared straight into my eyes as she finished up. She didn’t even flinch. She only broke eye contact to turn around and look directly at my face as she dried her hands. She was a goddamn sociopath!”

Maryann was arrested later that morning for the brutal murder of Charlotte Barragan, 43.  Unwitting mother of two, Cary Kirkwood, 27, found the blood-spattered Maryanne carefully wiping Ms. Barragan’s blood from the floor. “It seemed like she’d been there for at least ten minutes cleaning up. I don’t know why she didn’t just leave the mess and make a run for it.” After slitting Ms. Barragan’s throat, Maryann reported slowly sinking a blade into the woman’s stomach as she watched the life drain from her eyes.

Speaking with reporters earlier today, Maryann expressed regret for her actions. “I hadn’t anticipated the jail toilet conditions.”