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Pop icon and international hero Meghan Trainor might not have been able to write her 2014 breakout hit, “All About That Bass,” had it not been for the encouragement and support of her family. In the song, Trainor fondly remembers “my momma she told me…boys they like a little more booty to hold at night.” Propelled by the prospect of male attention and inspired by her mother’s knowing words, Trainor decided to write a song about her ass. It was this moment that cemented Trainor’s well-deserved spot in the history of feminism: her song about her ass topped charts even though she repeatedly asserts her sexual appeal in it. A kernel of hope was born in thicker girls everywhere. Maybe sexual objectification was possible for them too.

Despite the fact that Trainor became one-hit, ass wonder, her rich contemplative musical expression represents long-awaited progress towards the cultural acceptance of “dat ass.”

No doubt emboldened by Trainor’s success, more and more fearless publications have begun to dedicate two or even five pages to fashion spreads with plus-sized models, hashtagging “empowered” on social media. Even a few woke men’s magazines have opened a crack for curvy women to crawl through. Unemployed and slightly portly Gary Cobb, 37, told The HindQuarterly “I had never thought about fat women as fuckable, but last year’s Sport Illustrated swimsuit edition really proved me wrong.”

Speaking about Ashley Garam, the  curvy model featured in the 2016 issue, he mused “I would probably even let her suck me off.”

Portland, WA–

Park ranger Lenny Studard, 41, was on a standard patrol through Forest Park at 3 PM yesterday afternoon when he spotted Charlotte Raines, 24, alone, in street clothes, seemingly hugging a tree. He told The Hindquarterly this morning that Raines was far from the trail, so he approached her, thinking she might be lost and delirious. When he moved closer, he was surprised to see that she was whispering something into the hollow of the tree. He asked her what on earth she was doing, and, startled, she responded that she had muttered the c-word into the tree hollow out of a desperate need to fulfill the burdensome desire.

As if apologizing or attempting to absolve herself, Charlotte claimed that she was a women’s rights activist and worked hard to quell misogynistic behavior on a daily basis. But, she also expressed her frequent desire to transgress the strict parameters of the feminist ideology. “It’s just so oppressive. I have to act a certain way every day or my friends question whether I’m even a feminist or not. It’s exhausting. I knew I’d never be able to say the c-word in that environment, so I decided to take a break from it all and find a place free from judgment.” She continued “I’m not a bad person, and I don’t want to offend people; I just can’t conform to these prudish restrictions all the fucking time.” Clearly mortified, she suddenly ran off into the forest. Studard suspects she bolted after realizing she confessed her sins to a stranger and had also slipped up again by using the word “prude” with all its negative connotations.

The ranger noted that Studard had a buzzed head and a prominent tattoo that read “Get your laws off my body.” He described her look as “aggressive. It seemed like she was trying to assert her political stance with her appearance.”

“But,” Studard concluded, “guess her haircut was only a fashion statement.”

Not giving interviews as far as this reporter can tell, the traumatized tree hollow has been unable to speak since incident.

Ashleigh Clifton, 32, has been attempting to make significant progress in her career for almost a decade. Longtime resident of Louisville, Kentucky, Ashleigh currently works in marketing and advertisement. A successful and promising student in her undergraduate arts program, Ashleigh was encouraged to pursue a Master’s in graphic design. After taking on nearly $50,000 in debt from her graduate program, Ashleigh entered the job market with relative optimism. However, she was only able to book low-paying freelance work for her first few years out of school despite prestigious internship experience. Even after securing a longer term position, the lack of advancement opportunities made available to her as a woman with few connections and little experience has thrown her into a depression.

After explaining her situation, Ashleigh uttered despondently “Fuck it.”

“Dan wants kids anyway. I’ve always been a little ambivalent about the prospect, but at this point I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of challenging stereotypes in a field where I’m overworked and unwanted. It’s just easier to give in and sink into a role where the expectations are clear and societal support is assured.”

Reportedly, Ashleigh’s long-term partner, Daniel Jordan, 28, was absolutely thrilled when she told him the news. He told reporters this afternoon that he’s planning on proposing within the week.

“I have to admit; I’m absolutely thrilled. And her talent won’t go to waste! She could help out with school and sports team t-shirt logos and even share her passion with our child!”

“I hope we have a boy!” he added.

Local Brooklyn resident Nadia Goodman told reporters this afternoon that she was growing ever more frustrated by her coworker’s reliable shits. Nadia, age 27, works as a marketing coordinator for a local chocolate company. Her coworker and longtime “gal-pal” Carol Pittson, age 25, reportedly poops every day at 10 AM. “She never skips a goddamn day!” Nadia, whose desk is in full view of the facilities, gets a friendly wave from Carol whenever she the finishes the daily deed. “She always just seems so fucking smug.”

Nadia and Carol both began entry level positions at Tire Track Chocolates 4 years ago, in the summer of 2012. Since then, Carol has gotten two promotions, a fiancé, a puppy named Dumpling, “and even her shits are better than mine!!” Nadia angrily exclaimed to this reporter. “I mean, it’s one thing when I’m eating salads every day, but if I eat tacos? Hot wings? Nachos? Come on. It’s a fucking nightmare down there.”

Regardless of dietary hiccups, Carol reports smooth, uniform textured poos that leave little to no residue behind. Other coworkers confirm reports and an anonymous source added that she makes very little noise when she defecates and that her shits have barely any odor.

Carol speaks very highly of Nadia and seems unaware of the rising tensions. Other employees at the company have begun to grow nervous at Nadia’s increasingly irate and aggressive outbursts.

Plumber Charlie Keens, having been privy to the entirety of Nadia’s personal, professional, and defecatory decline, is worried that the warning signs will go unchecked. Shaking his head as he followed Nadia into the toilet for her bi-weekly visit, he predicted “a veritable shit storm” soon to come.