Portland, WA–

Park ranger Lenny Studard, 41, was on a standard patrol through Forest Park at 3 PM yesterday afternoon when he spotted Charlotte Raines, 24, alone, in street clothes, seemingly hugging a tree. He told The Hindquarterly this morning that Raines was far from the trail, so he approached her, thinking she might be lost and delirious. When he moved closer, he was surprised to see that she was whispering something into the hollow of the tree. He asked her what on earth she was doing, and, startled, she responded that she had muttered the c-word into the tree hollow out of a desperate need to fulfill the burdensome desire.

As if apologizing or attempting to absolve herself, Charlotte claimed that she was a women’s rights activist and worked hard to quell misogynistic behavior on a daily basis. But, she also expressed her frequent desire to transgress the strict parameters of the feminist ideology. “It’s just so oppressive. I have to act a certain way every day or my friends question whether I’m even a feminist or not. It’s exhausting. I knew I’d never be able to say the c-word in that environment, so I decided to take a break from it all and find a place free from judgment.” She continued “I’m not a bad person, and I don’t want to offend people; I just can’t conform to these prudish restrictions all the fucking time.” Clearly mortified, she suddenly ran off into the forest. Studard suspects she bolted after realizing she confessed her sins to a stranger and had also slipped up again by using the word “prude” with all its negative connotations.

The ranger noted that Studard had a buzzed head and a prominent tattoo that read “Get your laws off my body.” He described her look as “aggressive. It seemed like she was trying to assert her political stance with her appearance.”

“But,” Studard concluded, “guess her haircut was only a fashion statement.”

Not giving interviews as far as this reporter can tell, the traumatized tree hollow has been unable to speak since incident.