Month: July 2016

Ashleigh Clifton, 32, has been attempting to make significant progress in her career for almost a decade. Longtime resident of Louisville, Kentucky, Ashleigh currently works in marketing and advertisement. A successful and promising student in her undergraduate arts program, Ashleigh was encouraged to pursue a Master’s in graphic design. After taking on nearly $50,000 in debt from her graduate program, Ashleigh entered the job market with relative optimism. However, she was only able to book low-paying freelance work for her first few years out of school despite prestigious internship experience. Even after securing a longer term position, the lack of advancement opportunities made available to her as a woman with few connections and little experience has thrown her into a depression.

After explaining her situation, Ashleigh uttered despondently “Fuck it.”

“Dan wants kids anyway. I’ve always been a little ambivalent about the prospect, but at this point I’m just exhausted. I’m tired of challenging stereotypes in a field where I’m overworked and unwanted. It’s just easier to give in and sink into a role where the expectations are clear and societal support is assured.”

Reportedly, Ashleigh’s long-term partner, Daniel Jordan, 28, was absolutely thrilled when she told him the news. He told reporters this afternoon that he’s planning on proposing within the week.

“I have to admit; I’m absolutely thrilled. And her talent won’t go to waste! She could help out with school and sports team t-shirt logos and even share her passion with our child!”

“I hope we have a boy!” he added.

Local Brooklyn resident Nadia Goodman told reporters this afternoon that she was growing ever more frustrated by her coworker’s reliable shits. Nadia, age 27, works as a marketing coordinator for a local chocolate company. Her coworker and longtime “gal-pal” Carol Pittson, age 25, reportedly poops every day at 10 AM. “She never skips a goddamn day!” Nadia, whose desk is in full view of the facilities, gets a friendly wave from Carol whenever she the finishes the daily deed. “She always just seems so fucking smug.”

Nadia and Carol both began entry level positions at Tire Track Chocolates 4 years ago, in the summer of 2012. Since then, Carol has gotten two promotions, a fiancé, a puppy named Dumpling, “and even her shits are better than mine!!” Nadia angrily exclaimed to this reporter. “I mean, it’s one thing when I’m eating salads every day, but if I eat tacos? Hot wings? Nachos? Come on. It’s a fucking nightmare down there.”

Regardless of dietary hiccups, Carol reports smooth, uniform textured poos that leave little to no residue behind. Other coworkers confirm reports and an anonymous source added that she makes very little noise when she defecates and that her shits have barely any odor.

Carol speaks very highly of Nadia and seems unaware of the rising tensions. Other employees at the company have begun to grow nervous at Nadia’s increasingly irate and aggressive outbursts.

Plumber Charlie Keens, having been privy to the entirety of Nadia’s personal, professional, and defecatory decline, is worried that the warning signs will go unchecked. Shaking his head as he followed Nadia into the toilet for her bi-weekly visit, he predicted “a veritable shit storm” soon to come.